When you are in a relationship you are bound to argue with your partner. If you and your partner never had an argument that would be unhealthy, robotic, and you would probably receive some trophy for being the only couple in the existence of the world that never fought!
On the other end of the spectrum, if you fight too much and are unable to resolve your conflicts that spells trouble. Constantly ruminating on the negative, triggering each other, and not being able to resolve fights is a recipe for disaster.
In order to end an argument successfully or even thwart one off completely requires the attention and effort of both parties. Review the following steps below and you have already equipped yourself with a new set of tools.
1. Relax/Pause
In the moments we feel most triggered our bodies experience an increase in 5 things: Body temperature, heart rate, blood pressure, arterial tension, and testosterone production. It is at this point that we have the option to violate or intimate. Obviously, we want to engage in the latter with our partner. However, that may not always be easy for all of us. When that is not possible we need to focus our energy to something that will calm us (i.e. take a walk outside, put your headphones on and listen to a song that will calm you, drink water, take deep breathes – 3 FULL ones of these at least, etc.). We all have coping mechanisms and this is the best time to put those to the test!
2. Approach Your Partner
You might be saying “is he crazy!?” but the technique I am about to describe is proven effective and you will be quite amazed when you see the results. You will want to approach your partner in a very warm, open, and non-confrontational way. You will begin by interlocking fingers with your partners, looking at your partner in the eye, and focusing on your thoughts. Think about why you fell in love with them, your incredible memories, and what you would do if they were not here with you anymore. When you think about these things your perspective of your partner immediately changes.
3. Hug Your Partner
Once you have completed the above two steps you are ready to hug each other. The act of hugging not only decreases pain but it also releases oxytocin–often referred to as the love or bonding hormone. At this point it’s almost impossible to fight.
4. Talk Calmly and Empathize
Embracing each other may end the argument but it will not resolve it. This next step can be completed while embracing each other or while interlocking fingers. At this point you want to tune into how you are feeling and then acknowledge and share with your partner what that is. Describe your feelings and not your thoughts on the matter. For example, “when you got mad at me for going out the other night with my friends it made me feel like I was a really bad person. I got the feeling that you think I don’t care about you. My goal is to be close to you and still have time for my friends; they are very important to me. I love you very much (insert cheesy pet name here).”
If you are able to communicate like this with your partner the close you will become. Additionally, you will be less likely to hold a grudge towards your partner, which will lead to less tension, less stress, less anger, but more HAPPINESS and LOVE!
